What Oprah Has To Say About MEN !!!

This was the subject of the mail that I recieved the other day.. As I finished reading it, I felt it would be better to blog it.. So here it is..(my comments in italics)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

(Dont kno abt that...)

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

(Well If i were in his shoes, then probably I would do the same..)

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

(Fortunately or unfortunately my intution never seems to work...)

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better.

(Very true.. )

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

(Its important to discover who you really are.. )

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you, as you deserve, then heck, NO, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.

(True.. what are you getting by either settling or not settling.. Nothing.. so better not settle.. )

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think, "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

(Hmm.. Being too optimistic or turning a blind eye to facts is not wise.. "things will get better".. I am reminded of "no communication synchronization" in my elective course.. )

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

(You can never control anyone and no one is in control of you except yrself..)

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

(True..)

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

(Hmm.. probably for the better..)

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

(Every individual has a personal line that should never be crossed.. irrespective of the relationship..)

If something bothers you, speak up.

(Very true..)

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

(No comments..)

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

(You dont change unless you really want to..)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

(Think of yrself first.. ????)

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothingless.

(He he.. I am just wondering..)

Never let a man define who you are.

(You are who you are.. )

Never borrow someone else's man.

(Someone might borrow yours.. ?? :D)

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

(True..)

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

(You always have a choice.. just that, it depends on what you choose..)

All men are NOT dogs.

(Debatable..?? :P..)

You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is two-way street.

(True for any relationship..)

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

(No comments..)

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

(Very very true.. most of the times you dont realise it until its too late..)

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

(Very true.. )

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.

(Hmm.. Taking for granted..(sigh)..)

Never move into his mother's house.Never co-sign for a man.

(No comments at all..)

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

(You always deserve the best.. nothing less than that..)

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

(True..)

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware.

(Just hope so..:) )

The Ugly Reality..

Two weeks ago on a bright sunday morning, we had been to an orphanage near NIMHANS. We left after a delicious breakfast of dosas, caught the 10.30 volvo and reached the place around 11.00 am. The orphanage was situated a little further inside from the main road. We went walking (and talking all the way) from the bus stop, along a narrow winding road, shaded by the canopy of the surronding trees.

We finally reached an open clearing surrounded by buildings. To our left was the boys home and to the right was the girls and kids home. I was in the group that was to go to the kid's home. In fact most of us gals wanted to go to the kids home.. :)..

Anyways we thought we would first have a look at the kids home, which was a few steps further from the girls home. We went into the building in batches of 5. Inside it looked like a "mittham" (in tamil) with rooms on either sides and the typical smell of small kids reminded me of my creche days.. anyways we were lead to one of the rooms at the back where there were a dozen or so kids, all within 5 years of age.

One of the staff there was holding a 6 month old baby girl. All of us crowded around her and cooed to the baby. When asked what her name was, the staff turned and asked one of kids - "ivulu heseru yeno?".. meaning "what is her name?".. that simple question struck something in me.. something strange and disturbing.. something i didnt like.. (How can she not know the name of the baby that she was holding????)

Thinking back now, I really can't put a finger to what I felt at that time.. It was a mixture of feelings - anger, pity, sadness along with a feeling of helplessness.. It probably was a moment of realisation.. probably late realisation or probably I am yet to realise it at all.. :)..

Well that moment was past.. we were soon moving to have a look at the girls home. The inside of the girls home resembled that of a typical government institution - darkened corridors, cement floors etc. We spoke to the lady incharge and took permission to meet the girls. I went towards the leftside wing. We went into one of the classrooms on our left where there were around 15 or odd girls, sitting on the floor with their books spread around them. They looked at us curiously as we made our way inside and spoke to the class teacher there.

We introduced ourselves to the teacher and enquired about various things - everything from the girls accommodation to their education and how they came to the orphanage in the first place. It seems that the kids there came from various parts of the country. These abandoned kids were picked up from streets or roaming around railway stations and bus stations. Some times they were given up to the orphanage by single parents who couldnt afford to support them. When asked if the parents ever came to meet them, she told us that it was very very rare - almost close to never. The orphanage provided them with food, clothes, shelter and education (most importantly) and supported them till they became self-sustaining.

It was heart wrenching and really saddening to see those kids, their eyes full of hope and expectations that Somebody, one day, would claim them as their own.. after all, they are innocent victims in the cruel game that fate has played on them.. no mistake of theirs at all..

The girls were incredibly shy and had to be coaxed to talk to us. We asked them all their names and what they were studying. Most of them were in 3rd and 4th. Slowly they warmed up and asked us our names too. I saw one of the girls drawing a rangoli design in her book and it reminded me of my school days when I was crazy to learn new designs. Following my intution, I decide to break the ice by volunteering to draw few designs for them. I think that was it.. they immediately crowded around me, found a new sheet, a pencil and looked closely as I began to draw. They asked me how many dots, rows etc etc (rangoli jargon) and listened attentively as I explained how to draw the design.

While I was drawing, all of them fired questions at me simultaneously- where I was from, how come I knew kannada, what I was studying etc etc. I tried answering all the questions the best I could. One of the questions was how come I came to visit them. I seriously didnt know what to say. I managed to mumble that I had a holiday and that I decided to visit them.

I should have anticipated the next question - "when are you coming next??".. godd what could I tell them.. So I told them "when I dont have classes". But they were too sharp. "how about tomorow?? come tomorrow. sunday. so you wont have classes. we will also have a holiday". I just caught myself before I said "but I am going Home".. I really couldnt have answered them if they had started asking me about my home etc etc. "hmm but I have to go back to my college", I said. However they were a tenacious lot and the next come back was - "Thats ok. you go to college tomorrow. come on monday then. If not monday then next weekend". Boy, what could I say to that??? I finally managed to convince them that I would visit them whenever I was free next. They seemed satisfied and happy with that answer.. plainly happy that some one would visit them..

We had a lot of fun there on. I enjoyed chatting with all of them. They flocked around me, holding on to my hands (as though that was the last thread of hope) asking me and telling me things. They even complimented me saying that I looked like Kajol... :D.. (what could I say to THAT??).. In fact the attention that they give you really makes you really feel like a star.. on top of the world..

One phrase that describes them all accurately -"Starved for Love"..

Soon it was lunch time. We carried plates to the kids home for the kids there. In mean time the girls had all formed a neat line and carried their food laden plates to a hall where they sat down to eat. It was really astonishing to see that none of them touched their food till they had finished with their prayers.. (such small things that we seem to have forgotten).

Those children were given the same mess food that we had at our college. The food that some of us crib is not good or is not quality food, was a feast for them. That really got me to think if some of the small issues that we crib on are really that important.. Rightly said in tamil.."andasthuku yetra sugham"..

I had good fun sitting along with them and sharing my lunch with them. I also got a chance to serve them food.. (thanks my mom's training I recalled some of the serving "rules".. "kununj paramaaranam".. :) ). On the whole, I had a realll lot of fun playing with them, laughing with them and just being there for them.

The whole experience taught me new things and changed my perspective of life quite a bit. In fact the day before going to the orphanage, I was telling my mom about my plans. When I mentioned the orphanage she immediately said - "good you are going.. only then you will realise the worth of what you have and how lucky you really are".

I was able understand the true significance of what she said only when I saw the plight of those kids at the orphanage. I heard from one of the staff that the 6 month old baby girl, was brought to the orphanage 5 months back, when she was found under a train seat. I cant imagine how heartless a person has to be, to leave a one-month old baby under the train seat, to fend for it self.

As I was cuddling her, I was wondering what language should I should speak to her in?? tamil? kannada? telgu? malyalam? hindi?? which one? who was she? who are her parents? where was she born? what caste/religion does she belong to? heck.. what is her name??.. no one knows.. After all what was that baby's mistake?? just being born in this world?? wrong time.. wrong place??

A world of realisation followed these thoughts. Have we ever thought how lucky we really are?? We have every thing that we need. What dont we have? food? clothes? shelter? education? oppurtunities? Most important of all, we have parents to love and care for us. The other part of the story of "realisation" (as I would call it) is that - there are many people in this world who are less fortunate than we are. Instead of being an idle bystander, watching the world go by, I think it is high time I step in to help them with whatever I can. Probably some of the basic neccessities or simply give them happiness by letting them know that someone cares. The joy of such sharing and caring is something irreplacable.

On a concluding note, I would say that it is not uncommon for many of us to take most of the things that we have for "granted". Very often, we dont realise soon enough that "nothing" in this world should ever be taken for granted - nothing at all. That includes everything under the sun.. including the sun.. or for that matter, the very existence of life itself on this planet..

Conversely.. It drives home one of the fundamental facts of this ugly reality- We realise the worth of anything we have only we dont have it anymore.. or we see others who dont have it either....

A Great Misconception..

At times its a pain if you excel in any field at all.. ppl begin to expect a lot from you and and most of the times you end up trying to live up to all their expectations.. Its not long before you are really sick of it all.. all you really want to do is tell everyone to GTH (go to hell) and do just what you want to do.. but alas.. you cant do that always..

Come to think of it.. i have come real close to telling GTH to everyone.. its a real pain when you have to convince ppl that you are not really as smart as they think you are..

As an example.. i just happened to top my class in the first semester ("just happened to" bcoz it was a repeat of BE syllabus for me).. ppl congratulated me.. fine..

But then begins the commenting.. some of them go like this.. "well you are the topper, you neednt study.. you must be having it all at your finger tips".. what the hell.. all i have is finger tips..nothing more than that..

Even if i say that i havent studied for a test.. "hey you dont have to study.. you can get marks just like that..".. oh yeah.. really??.. i'd like to really see that day..

If i flunk a test and say that i flunked it.. "yeah.. well flunking for you is 19.99999 on 20.. ".. god damn.. it can hardly be expected that i will give in a blank answer paper.. you see, i have been given a blank sheet and asked to write something (related to the question).. well its really tempting to fill the paper with crap (like filling blogs).. so its really rare that i leave any question unanswered..

The best part is that you dont have to know anything about the answer to write it.. all you need is the question and the word meanings of the words in the question.. you can start filling the paper with puraanas (pity the person who corrects)..

I still remember my Artificial Intelligence paper.. we had just gone into the exam hall after mugging in 2 sentences about some kinda machine (who remembers..).. and there was a question that contained the words that we mugged.. it was a 20 mark question.. so what? no problem.. more marks.. more crap.. I still remember i wrote 2 full sides of crap with just those few words.. god knows how i did it.. (well according to my friend, they get trained to write crap at cluny girls' high school.. thats coz they have to write 2-3 30 mark essays as a part of their english course.. well well.. the talent is really useful when you are in engineering..)

So coming back to the point.. ppl think you really know what you are writing in an exam.. but thats not really true.. you may just happen to strike the right answer by beating around the bush.. of course, you wont be getting full marks.. but then something always better than nothing.. and those few marks that you get could just be what are needed to make you the topper..

Its my strong belief that marks are no indication of intelligence.. just bcoz i get full marks in an exam, hardly shows that i know everything in that field.. All it means is that I know the answers to all the questions in the question paper.. So an expert in the field and a person who knows just the answers to the questions asked, both get full marks.. but there is no way to judge who is the expert based on marks alone.. and at times, wrong judgements are costly.. for eg. a company that had been here to our campus for placements had a CGPA cut off and some of the most brainy ppl couldnt even sit for the test as they were below the cut off.. well thats just bad luck for the company.. the joke's on them.. they lost some realll potential..

Given this argument, at times ppl ask me - "if you think marks are not important, why do u still score??".. well for that matter.. there are many things that you dont like or you dont think is important.. but you have to put up with it (like mother-in-law.. :P.. well just kiddin').. why? coz you have to do it and you have no choice at all.. similarly, our system is wrongly oriented in making jugdements based on marks alone.. a lot of discussions about the worth of "education" and "not marks alone" go on.. lots are said.. but you can hardly expect that a system of severval decades will change over night.. so what you can't change.. you have to learn to accept..

As a final note, all i'd like to say is that marks dont make a person intelligent or brainy.. they are just an indication of potential but definitely not a measure.. so it would be foolish to expect great things from anyone by just seeing the marks.. what we need is a fool proof measure of potential on which we can base our judgements.. but thats something yet to be found.. and it is pretty difficult to convince ppl otherwise..

Will such a measure be found at all?? .. will ppl accept it ?? would they be convinced?? will they change their attitude?? will they change their beliefs??.. so many questions.. and they remain questions... IF only all questions would have answers...

....then the set of uncomputable problems would be empty.. :D..

GOD..

I was just jobless and looking around other ppl's blogs when i came across this very interesting blog on atheism.. Disbelief in GOD.. The person had written only 2 entries.. an entry where he stated what made him believe in GOD.. and another one which said what had made him an atheist..

The blog really got me to think.. Do we really have GOD.. If so what is GOD?? Where is he?? What is the proof of his existence?? Why do we have to believe in something or someone who may or may not exist?? quite a few questions.. but no answers as usual.. and the most difficult of them all.. Why?? Why GOD.. Why believe.. Why not believe..

Well this is just an attempt to clear things out.. they may become clear.. or they may become fuzzier at the the end of it (call it FUZZY LOGIC.. hehe).. anyways here goes..

Well I started with the assumption that He existed and couldnt get any where.. probably If I go the other way around I could reach some conclusion.. So thinking about it..

Assumption that GOD doesnt exist.. and an attempt to prove its contrary..

Right so..

Think of the world as one functional system (involving both software and hardware).. Well every system that we have built has some one called Administrator.. So who is the Administrator for the world?? (Post Vacancy.. Please apply ASAP).. Probably we can call him GOD??

Every system has some purpose that it serves.. So what is the essential purpose of world?? Call it Survival or Existence of Life..

But what is Life?? Say Life is just the Time to Live of any functional sub-unit that is a part of this world (like any living being)..

The whole system has both hardware and software.. the software to make the hardware useful.. So what is the analogy.. The body of any living creature is the Hardware.. The soul is the software that makes it work (or live)..

But what is soul?? well at this point, i cant really define it..

So further on.. when building a system, someone builds the hardware and loads the software and sets it all running.. So in case of this world.. who does it?? who could create a living being (hardware), breaths life (software) into it and sets it working.. Well call him the system architect.. so who is it?? call him GOD..

We have been speaking only about the living things.. what about the non-living things?? Every system needs some input (data) to work on and produce some output.. The non-living matter can be considered as the data provided to this world system..

Taking the famous object oriented view, every living entity is an object.. the actions and the behaviours associated with them form their methods.. what about the associated data?? no idea.. probably internal variables like thoughts.. One exception to the OOP methodology is that there is lot of Global data accessible to every object.. coz we have assumed that non-living matter is data..

Its always a good thing to build a self sustaining system, that requires as much less maintainance as possible.. the world is such a system.. every living thing is built so as to reproduce and sustain its existence.. in technical terms.. maintain atleast one instance of its existence..

A garbage collecting system is a really good one.. Garbage collection definitely happens in this world.. Living things die and decay.. while new ones are being created.. resources are reclaimed.. but its all built in..

Any system can go wrong.. it cant be 100% correct.. but it should be fault tolerent and robust .. a single fault shouldnt bring down the whole system.. well world is a live example.. We dont see everything crashing down when any instance malfunctions or is non-existent.. Life goes on.. A brilliant system..

Who do you think built this awesome self sustaining, robust, fault tolerant system called world.. call him GOD..

Finally any system, however robust and fault tolerent, needs a maintainer.. just in case.. in case of emergencies, where he needs to step in.. He is not always present on the scene.. but is present only when there is a need for him.. he needs to be summoned (contact number??..).. well guess who the system maintainer is.. who else but GOD.. the summons are the prayers.. we summon him when we pray..

So after all this we could probably call GOD the requirement gatherer, system designer, system architect, system coder, system maintainer.. (did he test it before deploying it.. probably it was all an experiment.. one that started with a BIG BANG)...

The above description is a very naive attempt to understand GOD.. I am not saying that it is in any way complete or accurate.. It is really primitive.. just a primitive attempt towards understanding GOD and Faith..

Well.. all I can conclude is that we believe and have faith in our system maintainer.. After all He is our last thread of hope when something goes wrong.. isnt He? ..

To Love or.. Not to Love..

I have often wondered what it would be to really love.. What would it be to unconditionally love someone.. love so intense that u are really willing to do anything and everything for that person.. (Doesnt that seem a little too much?? :-O)..

Its said that love is blind.. but marriage is a reallll eye opener.. may be or may not be.. I am no one to say.. not having experienced either..

But somethings are pretty evident from the way my friends tell their experiences.. Love does seem to be blind.. Often when people say that they are in love, they are not ready to accept facts (bad ones..) about their love.. even if it slaps them on their face.. They try and really try hard to make some excuse or the other.. Its kinda giving their love "infinite" number of chances..

But come to think of it.. "Why" do they do that??.. I was just wondering about that.. And the only thing that was obvious to me was that they dont want to get hurt.. They dont want to be hurt when they find that their love is someone else.. someone different.. someone other than the image they have in mind..

Its like the ostrich methodology.. "I cant see you.. so you cant see me".. Simple enough.. "I dont acknowledge the facts so they dont exist".. But "Why" do they not want to acknowledge the facts.. simply coz if they accept the facts, it simply means that they are accepting that thier love has flaws.. that he/she is someone different from what they have built them upto be.. Since they dont want any kinda grub on their love's Mr./Ms. Perfect picture.. they simply dont accept what they dont want to accept..

So does that really mean that if u dont want to be hurt.. then all you need to do is just not love.. why love.. why build up someone as someone they are not.. why build up dreams that would shatter into million pieces in just a fraction of a sec.. why.. why be hurt when your love fails.. Isnt it wise to not love and be safe and never be hurt?? .. It all seems and sounds damn logical when worded like that.. but then "why" do i feel that "to not love" would feel like letting something infinitely precious slip through your fingers??

Well admist all this confusion - "to love or not to love.." - its really a wonder that people still do love and get hurt.. but then they are brave enough to take it all in their stride..to take chances again and again.. If only I had the courage.. the courage to take a chance and love...

Just a few thoughts..

The other day I was feeling really low.. "Why"?? .. who knows.. I just felt like feeling it.. so I felt it.. Does it make any sense at all?? Not to me at least..

Anyways.. Its been a long time since I have blogged.. and so many things have happened during this long period.. The most significant has been my "emotional repression".. like the IT repression.. It struck rather suddenly.. and people who have suffered the most are the ones who love me.. During this period.. I had literally withdrawn within myself.. I wanted to be alone.. all by myself.. I started evaluating my very existence.. Was it of any use that I lived.. or was I just wasting away the precious resources of "Mother Earth" by just "living".. Well its not very surprising that these thoughts lead to thoughts of "suicide".. "How would it be if I were dead??".. "What happens when we die??".. "Does death have any feeling at all??".. well well.. quite a few questions they were.. But I couldnt answer any of them.. The consequences of it all was my silence.. Incredible Silence that was.. I gauged each and every word that I said.. and said them if and only if I felt it was worth my energy to speak it out.. At times I did love silence within me.. A really peaceful silence..but at times it was unsettling too..

The reaction of people to this new form of mine was obvious.. They didnt like it.. They did try to talk me out of it.. but no use.. I wouldnt give in.. Sometimes thoughts are so powerful that they just overpower you if you let them to.. The feeling of helplessness that follows is really something.. Its like you are someone else.. You are not doing any of the thinking.. Its someone else doing it for you.. making your decisions.. making your choices.. making you someone else altogether.. A really dangerous feeling according to me..

Well there have been quite a few factors that have contributed to this depression or repression.. whichever it can been called.. some of them are really silly.. but then they were the "trigerring ones" as I would call them.. It probably had been building up like a storm.. and struck in full force .. like a small spark setting off a conflagration.. well after it was just that small spark that was responsible for the destruction.. :-)..

(I am reminded of the lyrics -

"You cant start a fire without a Spark.." in "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen )

On an ending note.. all I would say is that.. we do need to give ourselves a break at times.. Things do seem to go rather haphazardly.. nothing at all seems to make sense.. but given some time.. every thing fits like a jigsaw puzzle.. things slowly fall into place.. trends resume.. and you are left wondering if "anything".. ANYTHING at all happened..ANYTHING at all ever changed...

...and all you do is wonder..

Masters of Our Destiny

Consider the following situation.. You want to be involved in a major project.. The project is a very important and prestigious one.. You feel you would really do well.. You think you can do it.. but that optimism does'nt last long when you see the kind of team mates you would have, if you join the project.. So the short lived optimism soon leads to extreme pessimism.. you, infact, begin think if your very exixtence is a waste.. Is such a situation common among individuals, living in a highly competitve environment???..

It is very depressing when one thinks of the past mistakes.. The natural human tendency is to base all our judgements on the past results.. Since-I-have-failed-in-the-last-test-there-is-high-probability-that-I-wouldnt-make-this-one-too is some teeny-weeny thought in one corner of our minds .. Such a small thought.. but a really disasterous one.. It is just sufficient to drown the already-weak self-confidence in a sea of pessimism and murder any new born enthusiasm..

As homo sapiens, we are responsible for our thoughts and actions.. The human mind conjures unwanted thoughts if left alone (no doubt about it.. "it is too little to be left alone").. It is up to us to control these thoughts and decide what we need to think and what is not to be thought.. difficult judgements to be made but nothing like the total control of mind.. Whether we succeed or fail is all in our thoughts.. they can make us or at times really break us.. so as Swami Vivekananda said "WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR DESTINY.".. what we become after all is in our own hands...

Last but not the least, what we fail to realise or comprehend is that sucess is not always about winning or being the highest scorer ( in anything ).. It is not being famous for inventions and discoveries or being a geek either .. Well what could it be then?? One thing that is certain is that doing anything beacause we HAVE to do it and because we WANT to do is analogous to drinking a bitter medicine and drinking honey.. The euphoria of success is not found by just achieving all the goals.. achieving them grudgingly leaves a really bitter taste.. To be really successful, one has to enjoy anything and everything that is done..

After all, Success is synonymous to "self satisfaction"..

"Why"??

Hmm.. What kinda question is "why"?? Is it necessary that every "why" needs to have an answer?? Sometimes, try as hard as you might, you cant the find the answer to a "why". Its just as weird that you don't want an answer to any other question but that particular "why". Alas.. If only we knew "why" on earth we wanted an answer for a "why"?? (Recursive eh??..)

Thoughts..

Can one keep count of the number of thoughts that run through a human mind in a day ? What about a minute ? Or just a second?? Countless I would presume.. How is a mass of flesh, feeding on oxygen along with a mesh of wires called neurons, able to think up the most amazing ideas??!!

Well.. The working of a human brain is just amazing and astonishing.. an Engima..