Words are all I have..

There are times in life when you feel you shouldnt have said what you just said. This is not one of them :). Anyways, jokes apart.. when we learn lessons the hard way we never forget them and this is precisely one of them.

Just a small story (which many of us would have read in Do-it-YOURSELF-SELF-development books) before I make my point, which was told to me in my personality development course. Here it is.

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the! young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

Ref: http://www.stephen-knapp.com/jokes_and_anecdotes.htm

A Thirukural (couplet 129) by Thiruvalluvar summarises the above story:

TheeyilNaal sutta Puun Ulaarum Aarathaey Navinaal sutta Vadu.
which means that "The wound caused by fire will heal within, but not the scar left by the tongue".

The story or the saying did'nt hold much significance to me until the day I really messed up things for myself with the wrong use of words. Just a slip of the tongue, a moment when you see red and speak your mind or a wrong word at the wrong place at the wrong time to the wrong person is sufficient to make the rest of your life miserable.

Anger makes you a handicap. When you angry, you are blind, deaf, stupid and an unfeeling monster but you are unfortunately not dumb or mute. The overwhelming urge to lash out at your opponent (thats how you see anybody standing in front of you) is often uncontrollable and if you don't hold yourself back in time, the consequences can be really drastic. It could be anything from finding yourself a new member of the on-the-street-with-no-food-or-no-money-or-no-nothing club to finding yourself without a relation (friend , brother, sister, husband, wife or any relationship for that matter).

Well, the worst part is yet to come. Nothing is as difficult as convincing your "opponent" that you didnt mean what you just said. Its very easy to say sorry. Its after all another word. But you just cant take back what you said. Its out there and it remains there and you are forever thinking "If only I hadnt said that.. things would have been different". And, in the silence after the storm, you are left alone thinking if that one moment of glee or satisfaction that you got by using hurtful words is worth a lifetime of regret.

As an after thought, things would have definitely been different and better if you had just kept quite. Things would have been resolved in a different way, relationships could have been saved and life would feel much much better. But it all depends on our actions at that one moment.

Ultimately, the result of any situation is our hands. It depends on how we perceive things and how we reciprocate. After all, we always have a choice. Its just that we got to choose right !! :)

Some Quotes

The more you do, the more you can do.. The less you do, the lesser is usually done..

Its no good proving that you are good at something you are already good at... However its not bad idea to to prove that you are good at something you are supposedly bad at..

If the past could be changed, then there would be no future..

Some ppl set good examples of "how to be".. While there are some who set really good examples of "how not to be"..

I wonder who I would be now, if I had once been what I am now..

Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost... (Anon)

Don't let someone become a priority in your life when you are just an option in their life!!!! - Vikas C

(to be continued..)

A Profound Thought..

The Adv OS class is a fun class, particularly, coz of the professor. Partly coz the prof looks like my elderly uncle and partly coz he talks like one too.. :)..

Anyways, when we reached the "von neumann architecture" part of the lesson today, the prof said, "Most of the current architectures are based on this basic architecture presented by von neumann. Although extensive research is being done, nobody has been able to come up with a better alterative than this one". He further went on to explain about artificial intelligence and said that one of the most amazing architectures till date has been that of a "human mind"...

"Does the human brain work sequentially?? Is it like all of you think or do one thing at any given time??" he asked. "No sir, its all concurrent", some of us mumbled. What he went on to say was so profound that I felt I had to "document" it for future reference (in SE jargon). So here it goes:

(note that this is my understanding of what he said and probably not his exact words)

The human brain or mind is a complex entity. No one as yet has figured out how it exactly works. No one has yet succeeded in building a system that works like "THE MIND".

Though we cannot calculate as fast as a computer, we cannot think as logically and methodically as an ALU either. If all of us were ALUs then there would be no difference of opinions or disagreements as we all would get the same input and would produce the same output (as ALUs). However as a counter arguement, each of us perceive our inputs in a different way. If thats the case, then we cannot be ALUs as the ALU has no in-built intelligence for differential analysis of the inputs. Thus we are not ALUs.. In fact we dont know what we exactly are.. :D.. To put it simply, We are different..

Think about how our vision works. We have a pair of lenses that produce an inverted image at the back of our eyes on the retina. The pair help us to percieve the depth in what we see ("one for mono, two for stereo" to quote prof). The sensory nerves carry this information to the brain where a consistent 3D image is constructed in real time (just imagine the response time requirement of this system). There is no other existing image processing system that can construct and percieve 3D images at speeds comparable to that of the human vision...

Think about face recognition. A fleeting view of someone sticks on for an eternity but sometimes we forget faces within a fraction of a second (Out of sight is Out of mind.. :D).. However, it doesnt take long for us to recognise a familiar face in a crowd or recall the context in which we saw them. The complexity of memory management, pattern recognition, database search & retrival and contextual inference involved in such action is simply unimaginable...

And so it holds for the Audtion system (perception of sound) too. A piece of membrane, when struck with sound waves collected by the auricle, amplifies these waves to the inner ear and these are in turn converted to nerve impulses by the mechanoreceptors (or hair) in the cochlea. The Digital Signal Processing system (or is it Analog?? :D) in the brain then converts to impulses into meaningful sounds, all in realtime. (Just a thought.. what are those DSP students in our class trying to do?? :D).

On the same lines, I recall what my Distributed Algos prof had once said - "Can we build a system like the human heart, that runs right from the time we are born to the till the day we cease to exist (thats about 60 yrs on an average), working non-stop while consuming minimal amount of resources and not failing even once.. :)..". Think about the robustness and fault tolerance of such a system that seems to work under every ambient condition possible.. :D..

In conclusion of this huge post, I'd say it seems as though we humans have been built based on "some" profound and enigmatic architectural design that remains incomprehendable and irreproducible till date... Does that make us "unchallenged-as-yet" as well??.. I wonder... :)..

Reflections

Look at me,
You may think you see
Who I really am,
But you’ll never know me,
Every day, it’s as if I play a part,
Now I see
If I wear mask,
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my Heart…

Who is that girl I see,
Staring straight back at me,
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside…

I am now in a world
Where I have to hide my Heart,
And what I believe in,
But somehow I will show the world,
What’s inside my Heart,
And be loved for who I am…

Who is that girl I see,
Staring straight back at me,
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know…
Must I pretend that I am
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside…

There’s a Heart,
That must be free to fly,
That burns with the need to know
The reason why…

Why must we all conceal,
What we think,
How we feel,
Must there be a secret ME,
I am forced to hide…

I won’t pretend that I am
Someone else for all time,
When will my reflection show
Who I am Inside…

Song from Walt Disney Cartoon "Mulan" Sung by Coco Lee

Memories..

If you knew him, as I did
Ever since I was kid,
You would miss him too,
Just as I now do..

An independent soul from the start,
Extremely responsible and smart,
Cookin was his art,
Electronic gadget repairs apart..

A magnetic personality,
Sensitive to the core,
Known for his generosity,
With suprises always in store..

A great sense of humour,
That would put everyone to ease,
Be it a lawyer or a farmer,
They would laugh through a sneeze..

A loving son and brother,
Really attached to his mother,
A strong supporting pillar,
Who can never be just-a-filler..

He was gem,
THE best amongst them
All at the Bar Council,
And a void he left, that none can fill..

Courtesy: Thiruthuraipundi, TN

Death

Loss of a person..
his Body,
his Soul,
his Intellect,
his Ideas,
his Creativity,
his Talent,
his Skills,
his Knowledge..
What remains is.. his Memories...

The Ultimate Advice..

People often ask you - "whats the goal in your life??" or "what are the goals of your life??".. They ask a reframed version of the same when you are small - "what do you want to be when you grow up??".. Its pretty much a difficult question to answer.. particularly when you have too many things that you want to do.. As a kid, its a relatively easy answer.. "I wanna be a doctor" or "I wanna be a pilot" or "I wanna be like my dad".. :)

My friend and I had had some interesting discussions long ago when we were in school.. and some of the things that she told me are treasures..

We were talking abt some tests and stuff .. I was as usual "cribbing" about low marks in english, saying - "I dont think suchu (the teacher) would ever let me cross 50 da.. Why the hell dont I ever seem to score more?? You say what I write is not wrong.. then how come its different from what suchu expects"..

I think I must have said a little too much of the same thing and she got bugged.. Finally my friend (my counseller) said .. "Before you say any further, tell me one thing.. how important are these marks to you?? As in very important or so so??"..

I thought a bit and said.. "hmm.. very important I guess.. cmon da.. its going to affect my board results and over all pecentage and stuff.. so it has to be important"..

Her quick comeback was "oh.. so you think these marks (that too in english) hold the ultimate importance for you?? through out life?? Is that the goal of your life??"..

"hmm.. I dont know about goal and stuff.. but after all these percentages are going to be important when I am going to get a job and all.. "

She laughed and said .. "Probably.. But I think you are kinda off track in your things-of-importance.. Tell me one more thing.. what do you want to be at the end of your life??"

"I really dont know.. I havent thought that much about my life.."

"Fine.. Imagine you are on your death bed.. What would be your thoughts at that time??"

I was taken unawares by that question.. "huh?? hmm.. I am thinking.. what could possibly be the last thought.. thats a difficult question to think about NOW da.. there would be soo many things running in your mind.."

"True.. what would be the last one??"

"No idea.."

"How does it sound - You thought about these english marks just before you died?? "

"yuck.. oh plzz.. that would be the last thing on my mind.."

"Yet they are so important to you NOW that you are spending precious moments of your life cribbing.. when they are definitely are not going to be the "last" thing on your mind.. "

I didnt know what to say.. Something rang true.. yet something was not right.. It seemed as though I had gotten all my priorities wrong..

"hmm.. I dont kno what to say"..

"Well, you dont have to say anything.. Just get one thing right.. Think about what would be your last thoughts when you are going to die.. that would definitely help you to focus on whats important and not important in life.."

Long after we parted, I thought a lot about her words.. the more I thought, the more sense they made.. After all, when I am on my death bed, its not important that I was once a wild kid with weird ideas.. Neither is it important that I got scolded in my 5 standard for not attending the prayer.. Nor is it going to flash that I screwed up my history map in the exam.. or that I carried home the English grammer answer paper by mistake and scored the least in the class..

Its not going to make a difference whether I got a new music system or that I didnt get the bike I badly wanted.. Its no use being angry on my mom that she wouldnt let me have a night out at my friend's place.. The fights with my bro or disagreements with friends would be things of the long-forgotten past.. I could probably try and forget the Bad experiences and recall some of the Good ones.. but there would be too many and too little time to decide which one I would want to think about.. I didnt want to think that I couldnt visit the grand canyons or that I didnt get to try a bite of mushroom or the taste of pinacolada..

Ultimately, I figured out that on my death bed, I would want the the last thought to be that "I was happy and satisfied.. that I had lived my life fully and completely.. that I had no regrets.. and knew that I would be missed when I am gone".. It then struck me that I had hit upon the "Ultimate Goal" of my Life - to be satisfied and to have no regrets at the End..

Thanks to my friend's "Ultimate advice", I am striving hard to achieve my goal.. I do and experience Whatever I Want.. Make most of every moment I breath.. Never hold back my Desires.. Forgive and Forget.. And Live Life as if there is no Tommorrow.. :)

Yet another beginning..

Its been a long time since I last put up something in my blogs.. and things have changed quite a bit since then.. Lots of "Lessons Learnt".. as I would call them.. But on the whole it has been a totally new and different "Taste of life".. :D... (pun intended)..
Well, lemme make another beginning.. trying to be a sincere blogger.. and hopin for no more "beginnings".. :)

A Purpose..

We all have some kind of purpose on this earth,
It is not to hurt people or tell them their worth

Everyone was put here with equal chance,
Take a look around you; take a good long glance

Some were meant to heal and some to teach,
Some are used to build, and some to reach

You may not know your purpose just yet,
God will tell you, when he knows you are set

Don’t rush your fate, it has already has been planned,
And God will always be there to lend a helping hand

You will go through times that are really rough,
But you will always have someone when the going gets tough

Don’t fudge other, for when you do,
There is always someone else, fudging you

Think about things before they are said,
Say your prayers before going off to bed

Take time just to sit and observe all things,
A flower and its petals, or a bird and its wings

For when you just look at what is around,
A new aspect of life could be what you have found

Live for today, live one day at a time,
Live for yourself and for God; that is no crime

For when you do all these things to make your life great,
You will find your own way to the pearly white gate...


Courtesy: Chrisitian Medical College, Vellore

Server Of '69

I got my first osl project

Thought that it'd all go fine

coded it till my fingers bled

on the server of '69

Me and my project partner

lost sense but we tried real hard

I almost quit and he got worried

that the code would never get far

Oh when I look back now

That server seemed slow as ever

And if I had the choice

Ya – lsi would never ever be there

That was the worst code of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'

When you got a project to do

Spent my evenin's down at the server room

And that's when we met the PM

Standin' near the damn server

he told us that we'd wait forever

Oh as we looked at the screen

I knew that it would never be over..

That was the worst code of my life
oh yeah...
Back on the server of '69

Man we were killin' processors

We were dull and restless

We needed to unwind

I guess it'll run forever – forever, nooo :(..

And now the times have not changed

though everything's come and gone

the server still seems to compute lsi

I think about it, wonder what’s wrong

Standin' in the server room

as we seemed to wait forever

Oh as we looked at the screen

I knew that it would never be over

That was the worst code of my life

Back on the server of '69

Based on Original Song

"Summer Of '69" written by B. Adams and J. Vallance.

What Oprah Has To Say About MEN !!!

This was the subject of the mail that I recieved the other day.. As I finished reading it, I felt it would be better to blog it.. So here it is..(my comments in italics)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

(Dont kno abt that...)

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

(Well If i were in his shoes, then probably I would do the same..)

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

(Fortunately or unfortunately my intution never seems to work...)

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better.

(Very true.. )

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

(Its important to discover who you really are.. )

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you, as you deserve, then heck, NO, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.

(True.. what are you getting by either settling or not settling.. Nothing.. so better not settle.. )

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think, "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

(Hmm.. Being too optimistic or turning a blind eye to facts is not wise.. "things will get better".. I am reminded of "no communication synchronization" in my elective course.. )

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

(You can never control anyone and no one is in control of you except yrself..)

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

(True..)

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

(Hmm.. probably for the better..)

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

(Every individual has a personal line that should never be crossed.. irrespective of the relationship..)

If something bothers you, speak up.

(Very true..)

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

(No comments..)

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

(You dont change unless you really want to..)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

(Think of yrself first.. ????)

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothingless.

(He he.. I am just wondering..)

Never let a man define who you are.

(You are who you are.. )

Never borrow someone else's man.

(Someone might borrow yours.. ?? :D)

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

(True..)

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

(You always have a choice.. just that, it depends on what you choose..)

All men are NOT dogs.

(Debatable..?? :P..)

You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is two-way street.

(True for any relationship..)

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

(No comments..)

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

(Very very true.. most of the times you dont realise it until its too late..)

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

(Very true.. )

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.

(Hmm.. Taking for granted..(sigh)..)

Never move into his mother's house.Never co-sign for a man.

(No comments at all..)

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

(You always deserve the best.. nothing less than that..)

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

(True..)

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware.

(Just hope so..:) )

The Ugly Reality..

Two weeks ago on a bright sunday morning, we had been to an orphanage near NIMHANS. We left after a delicious breakfast of dosas, caught the 10.30 volvo and reached the place around 11.00 am. The orphanage was situated a little further inside from the main road. We went walking (and talking all the way) from the bus stop, along a narrow winding road, shaded by the canopy of the surronding trees.

We finally reached an open clearing surrounded by buildings. To our left was the boys home and to the right was the girls and kids home. I was in the group that was to go to the kid's home. In fact most of us gals wanted to go to the kids home.. :)..

Anyways we thought we would first have a look at the kids home, which was a few steps further from the girls home. We went into the building in batches of 5. Inside it looked like a "mittham" (in tamil) with rooms on either sides and the typical smell of small kids reminded me of my creche days.. anyways we were lead to one of the rooms at the back where there were a dozen or so kids, all within 5 years of age.

One of the staff there was holding a 6 month old baby girl. All of us crowded around her and cooed to the baby. When asked what her name was, the staff turned and asked one of kids - "ivulu heseru yeno?".. meaning "what is her name?".. that simple question struck something in me.. something strange and disturbing.. something i didnt like.. (How can she not know the name of the baby that she was holding????)

Thinking back now, I really can't put a finger to what I felt at that time.. It was a mixture of feelings - anger, pity, sadness along with a feeling of helplessness.. It probably was a moment of realisation.. probably late realisation or probably I am yet to realise it at all.. :)..

Well that moment was past.. we were soon moving to have a look at the girls home. The inside of the girls home resembled that of a typical government institution - darkened corridors, cement floors etc. We spoke to the lady incharge and took permission to meet the girls. I went towards the leftside wing. We went into one of the classrooms on our left where there were around 15 or odd girls, sitting on the floor with their books spread around them. They looked at us curiously as we made our way inside and spoke to the class teacher there.

We introduced ourselves to the teacher and enquired about various things - everything from the girls accommodation to their education and how they came to the orphanage in the first place. It seems that the kids there came from various parts of the country. These abandoned kids were picked up from streets or roaming around railway stations and bus stations. Some times they were given up to the orphanage by single parents who couldnt afford to support them. When asked if the parents ever came to meet them, she told us that it was very very rare - almost close to never. The orphanage provided them with food, clothes, shelter and education (most importantly) and supported them till they became self-sustaining.

It was heart wrenching and really saddening to see those kids, their eyes full of hope and expectations that Somebody, one day, would claim them as their own.. after all, they are innocent victims in the cruel game that fate has played on them.. no mistake of theirs at all..

The girls were incredibly shy and had to be coaxed to talk to us. We asked them all their names and what they were studying. Most of them were in 3rd and 4th. Slowly they warmed up and asked us our names too. I saw one of the girls drawing a rangoli design in her book and it reminded me of my school days when I was crazy to learn new designs. Following my intution, I decide to break the ice by volunteering to draw few designs for them. I think that was it.. they immediately crowded around me, found a new sheet, a pencil and looked closely as I began to draw. They asked me how many dots, rows etc etc (rangoli jargon) and listened attentively as I explained how to draw the design.

While I was drawing, all of them fired questions at me simultaneously- where I was from, how come I knew kannada, what I was studying etc etc. I tried answering all the questions the best I could. One of the questions was how come I came to visit them. I seriously didnt know what to say. I managed to mumble that I had a holiday and that I decided to visit them.

I should have anticipated the next question - "when are you coming next??".. godd what could I tell them.. So I told them "when I dont have classes". But they were too sharp. "how about tomorow?? come tomorrow. sunday. so you wont have classes. we will also have a holiday". I just caught myself before I said "but I am going Home".. I really couldnt have answered them if they had started asking me about my home etc etc. "hmm but I have to go back to my college", I said. However they were a tenacious lot and the next come back was - "Thats ok. you go to college tomorrow. come on monday then. If not monday then next weekend". Boy, what could I say to that??? I finally managed to convince them that I would visit them whenever I was free next. They seemed satisfied and happy with that answer.. plainly happy that some one would visit them..

We had a lot of fun there on. I enjoyed chatting with all of them. They flocked around me, holding on to my hands (as though that was the last thread of hope) asking me and telling me things. They even complimented me saying that I looked like Kajol... :D.. (what could I say to THAT??).. In fact the attention that they give you really makes you really feel like a star.. on top of the world..

One phrase that describes them all accurately -"Starved for Love"..

Soon it was lunch time. We carried plates to the kids home for the kids there. In mean time the girls had all formed a neat line and carried their food laden plates to a hall where they sat down to eat. It was really astonishing to see that none of them touched their food till they had finished with their prayers.. (such small things that we seem to have forgotten).

Those children were given the same mess food that we had at our college. The food that some of us crib is not good or is not quality food, was a feast for them. That really got me to think if some of the small issues that we crib on are really that important.. Rightly said in tamil.."andasthuku yetra sugham"..

I had good fun sitting along with them and sharing my lunch with them. I also got a chance to serve them food.. (thanks my mom's training I recalled some of the serving "rules".. "kununj paramaaranam".. :) ). On the whole, I had a realll lot of fun playing with them, laughing with them and just being there for them.

The whole experience taught me new things and changed my perspective of life quite a bit. In fact the day before going to the orphanage, I was telling my mom about my plans. When I mentioned the orphanage she immediately said - "good you are going.. only then you will realise the worth of what you have and how lucky you really are".

I was able understand the true significance of what she said only when I saw the plight of those kids at the orphanage. I heard from one of the staff that the 6 month old baby girl, was brought to the orphanage 5 months back, when she was found under a train seat. I cant imagine how heartless a person has to be, to leave a one-month old baby under the train seat, to fend for it self.

As I was cuddling her, I was wondering what language should I should speak to her in?? tamil? kannada? telgu? malyalam? hindi?? which one? who was she? who are her parents? where was she born? what caste/religion does she belong to? heck.. what is her name??.. no one knows.. After all what was that baby's mistake?? just being born in this world?? wrong time.. wrong place??

A world of realisation followed these thoughts. Have we ever thought how lucky we really are?? We have every thing that we need. What dont we have? food? clothes? shelter? education? oppurtunities? Most important of all, we have parents to love and care for us. The other part of the story of "realisation" (as I would call it) is that - there are many people in this world who are less fortunate than we are. Instead of being an idle bystander, watching the world go by, I think it is high time I step in to help them with whatever I can. Probably some of the basic neccessities or simply give them happiness by letting them know that someone cares. The joy of such sharing and caring is something irreplacable.

On a concluding note, I would say that it is not uncommon for many of us to take most of the things that we have for "granted". Very often, we dont realise soon enough that "nothing" in this world should ever be taken for granted - nothing at all. That includes everything under the sun.. including the sun.. or for that matter, the very existence of life itself on this planet..

Conversely.. It drives home one of the fundamental facts of this ugly reality- We realise the worth of anything we have only we dont have it anymore.. or we see others who dont have it either....

A Great Misconception..

At times its a pain if you excel in any field at all.. ppl begin to expect a lot from you and and most of the times you end up trying to live up to all their expectations.. Its not long before you are really sick of it all.. all you really want to do is tell everyone to GTH (go to hell) and do just what you want to do.. but alas.. you cant do that always..

Come to think of it.. i have come real close to telling GTH to everyone.. its a real pain when you have to convince ppl that you are not really as smart as they think you are..

As an example.. i just happened to top my class in the first semester ("just happened to" bcoz it was a repeat of BE syllabus for me).. ppl congratulated me.. fine..

But then begins the commenting.. some of them go like this.. "well you are the topper, you neednt study.. you must be having it all at your finger tips".. what the hell.. all i have is finger tips..nothing more than that..

Even if i say that i havent studied for a test.. "hey you dont have to study.. you can get marks just like that..".. oh yeah.. really??.. i'd like to really see that day..

If i flunk a test and say that i flunked it.. "yeah.. well flunking for you is 19.99999 on 20.. ".. god damn.. it can hardly be expected that i will give in a blank answer paper.. you see, i have been given a blank sheet and asked to write something (related to the question).. well its really tempting to fill the paper with crap (like filling blogs).. so its really rare that i leave any question unanswered..

The best part is that you dont have to know anything about the answer to write it.. all you need is the question and the word meanings of the words in the question.. you can start filling the paper with puraanas (pity the person who corrects)..

I still remember my Artificial Intelligence paper.. we had just gone into the exam hall after mugging in 2 sentences about some kinda machine (who remembers..).. and there was a question that contained the words that we mugged.. it was a 20 mark question.. so what? no problem.. more marks.. more crap.. I still remember i wrote 2 full sides of crap with just those few words.. god knows how i did it.. (well according to my friend, they get trained to write crap at cluny girls' high school.. thats coz they have to write 2-3 30 mark essays as a part of their english course.. well well.. the talent is really useful when you are in engineering..)

So coming back to the point.. ppl think you really know what you are writing in an exam.. but thats not really true.. you may just happen to strike the right answer by beating around the bush.. of course, you wont be getting full marks.. but then something always better than nothing.. and those few marks that you get could just be what are needed to make you the topper..

Its my strong belief that marks are no indication of intelligence.. just bcoz i get full marks in an exam, hardly shows that i know everything in that field.. All it means is that I know the answers to all the questions in the question paper.. So an expert in the field and a person who knows just the answers to the questions asked, both get full marks.. but there is no way to judge who is the expert based on marks alone.. and at times, wrong judgements are costly.. for eg. a company that had been here to our campus for placements had a CGPA cut off and some of the most brainy ppl couldnt even sit for the test as they were below the cut off.. well thats just bad luck for the company.. the joke's on them.. they lost some realll potential..

Given this argument, at times ppl ask me - "if you think marks are not important, why do u still score??".. well for that matter.. there are many things that you dont like or you dont think is important.. but you have to put up with it (like mother-in-law.. :P.. well just kiddin').. why? coz you have to do it and you have no choice at all.. similarly, our system is wrongly oriented in making jugdements based on marks alone.. a lot of discussions about the worth of "education" and "not marks alone" go on.. lots are said.. but you can hardly expect that a system of severval decades will change over night.. so what you can't change.. you have to learn to accept..

As a final note, all i'd like to say is that marks dont make a person intelligent or brainy.. they are just an indication of potential but definitely not a measure.. so it would be foolish to expect great things from anyone by just seeing the marks.. what we need is a fool proof measure of potential on which we can base our judgements.. but thats something yet to be found.. and it is pretty difficult to convince ppl otherwise..

Will such a measure be found at all?? .. will ppl accept it ?? would they be convinced?? will they change their attitude?? will they change their beliefs??.. so many questions.. and they remain questions... IF only all questions would have answers...

....then the set of uncomputable problems would be empty.. :D..

GOD..

I was just jobless and looking around other ppl's blogs when i came across this very interesting blog on atheism.. Disbelief in GOD.. The person had written only 2 entries.. an entry where he stated what made him believe in GOD.. and another one which said what had made him an atheist..

The blog really got me to think.. Do we really have GOD.. If so what is GOD?? Where is he?? What is the proof of his existence?? Why do we have to believe in something or someone who may or may not exist?? quite a few questions.. but no answers as usual.. and the most difficult of them all.. Why?? Why GOD.. Why believe.. Why not believe..

Well this is just an attempt to clear things out.. they may become clear.. or they may become fuzzier at the the end of it (call it FUZZY LOGIC.. hehe).. anyways here goes..

Well I started with the assumption that He existed and couldnt get any where.. probably If I go the other way around I could reach some conclusion.. So thinking about it..

Assumption that GOD doesnt exist.. and an attempt to prove its contrary..

Right so..

Think of the world as one functional system (involving both software and hardware).. Well every system that we have built has some one called Administrator.. So who is the Administrator for the world?? (Post Vacancy.. Please apply ASAP).. Probably we can call him GOD??

Every system has some purpose that it serves.. So what is the essential purpose of world?? Call it Survival or Existence of Life..

But what is Life?? Say Life is just the Time to Live of any functional sub-unit that is a part of this world (like any living being)..

The whole system has both hardware and software.. the software to make the hardware useful.. So what is the analogy.. The body of any living creature is the Hardware.. The soul is the software that makes it work (or live)..

But what is soul?? well at this point, i cant really define it..

So further on.. when building a system, someone builds the hardware and loads the software and sets it all running.. So in case of this world.. who does it?? who could create a living being (hardware), breaths life (software) into it and sets it working.. Well call him the system architect.. so who is it?? call him GOD..

We have been speaking only about the living things.. what about the non-living things?? Every system needs some input (data) to work on and produce some output.. The non-living matter can be considered as the data provided to this world system..

Taking the famous object oriented view, every living entity is an object.. the actions and the behaviours associated with them form their methods.. what about the associated data?? no idea.. probably internal variables like thoughts.. One exception to the OOP methodology is that there is lot of Global data accessible to every object.. coz we have assumed that non-living matter is data..

Its always a good thing to build a self sustaining system, that requires as much less maintainance as possible.. the world is such a system.. every living thing is built so as to reproduce and sustain its existence.. in technical terms.. maintain atleast one instance of its existence..

A garbage collecting system is a really good one.. Garbage collection definitely happens in this world.. Living things die and decay.. while new ones are being created.. resources are reclaimed.. but its all built in..

Any system can go wrong.. it cant be 100% correct.. but it should be fault tolerent and robust .. a single fault shouldnt bring down the whole system.. well world is a live example.. We dont see everything crashing down when any instance malfunctions or is non-existent.. Life goes on.. A brilliant system..

Who do you think built this awesome self sustaining, robust, fault tolerant system called world.. call him GOD..

Finally any system, however robust and fault tolerent, needs a maintainer.. just in case.. in case of emergencies, where he needs to step in.. He is not always present on the scene.. but is present only when there is a need for him.. he needs to be summoned (contact number??..).. well guess who the system maintainer is.. who else but GOD.. the summons are the prayers.. we summon him when we pray..

So after all this we could probably call GOD the requirement gatherer, system designer, system architect, system coder, system maintainer.. (did he test it before deploying it.. probably it was all an experiment.. one that started with a BIG BANG)...

The above description is a very naive attempt to understand GOD.. I am not saying that it is in any way complete or accurate.. It is really primitive.. just a primitive attempt towards understanding GOD and Faith..

Well.. all I can conclude is that we believe and have faith in our system maintainer.. After all He is our last thread of hope when something goes wrong.. isnt He? ..

To Love or.. Not to Love..

I have often wondered what it would be to really love.. What would it be to unconditionally love someone.. love so intense that u are really willing to do anything and everything for that person.. (Doesnt that seem a little too much?? :-O)..

Its said that love is blind.. but marriage is a reallll eye opener.. may be or may not be.. I am no one to say.. not having experienced either..

But somethings are pretty evident from the way my friends tell their experiences.. Love does seem to be blind.. Often when people say that they are in love, they are not ready to accept facts (bad ones..) about their love.. even if it slaps them on their face.. They try and really try hard to make some excuse or the other.. Its kinda giving their love "infinite" number of chances..

But come to think of it.. "Why" do they do that??.. I was just wondering about that.. And the only thing that was obvious to me was that they dont want to get hurt.. They dont want to be hurt when they find that their love is someone else.. someone different.. someone other than the image they have in mind..

Its like the ostrich methodology.. "I cant see you.. so you cant see me".. Simple enough.. "I dont acknowledge the facts so they dont exist".. But "Why" do they not want to acknowledge the facts.. simply coz if they accept the facts, it simply means that they are accepting that thier love has flaws.. that he/she is someone different from what they have built them upto be.. Since they dont want any kinda grub on their love's Mr./Ms. Perfect picture.. they simply dont accept what they dont want to accept..

So does that really mean that if u dont want to be hurt.. then all you need to do is just not love.. why love.. why build up someone as someone they are not.. why build up dreams that would shatter into million pieces in just a fraction of a sec.. why.. why be hurt when your love fails.. Isnt it wise to not love and be safe and never be hurt?? .. It all seems and sounds damn logical when worded like that.. but then "why" do i feel that "to not love" would feel like letting something infinitely precious slip through your fingers??

Well admist all this confusion - "to love or not to love.." - its really a wonder that people still do love and get hurt.. but then they are brave enough to take it all in their stride..to take chances again and again.. If only I had the courage.. the courage to take a chance and love...

Just a few thoughts..

The other day I was feeling really low.. "Why"?? .. who knows.. I just felt like feeling it.. so I felt it.. Does it make any sense at all?? Not to me at least..

Anyways.. Its been a long time since I have blogged.. and so many things have happened during this long period.. The most significant has been my "emotional repression".. like the IT repression.. It struck rather suddenly.. and people who have suffered the most are the ones who love me.. During this period.. I had literally withdrawn within myself.. I wanted to be alone.. all by myself.. I started evaluating my very existence.. Was it of any use that I lived.. or was I just wasting away the precious resources of "Mother Earth" by just "living".. Well its not very surprising that these thoughts lead to thoughts of "suicide".. "How would it be if I were dead??".. "What happens when we die??".. "Does death have any feeling at all??".. well well.. quite a few questions they were.. But I couldnt answer any of them.. The consequences of it all was my silence.. Incredible Silence that was.. I gauged each and every word that I said.. and said them if and only if I felt it was worth my energy to speak it out.. At times I did love silence within me.. A really peaceful silence..but at times it was unsettling too..

The reaction of people to this new form of mine was obvious.. They didnt like it.. They did try to talk me out of it.. but no use.. I wouldnt give in.. Sometimes thoughts are so powerful that they just overpower you if you let them to.. The feeling of helplessness that follows is really something.. Its like you are someone else.. You are not doing any of the thinking.. Its someone else doing it for you.. making your decisions.. making your choices.. making you someone else altogether.. A really dangerous feeling according to me..

Well there have been quite a few factors that have contributed to this depression or repression.. whichever it can been called.. some of them are really silly.. but then they were the "trigerring ones" as I would call them.. It probably had been building up like a storm.. and struck in full force .. like a small spark setting off a conflagration.. well after it was just that small spark that was responsible for the destruction.. :-)..

(I am reminded of the lyrics -

"You cant start a fire without a Spark.." in "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen )

On an ending note.. all I would say is that.. we do need to give ourselves a break at times.. Things do seem to go rather haphazardly.. nothing at all seems to make sense.. but given some time.. every thing fits like a jigsaw puzzle.. things slowly fall into place.. trends resume.. and you are left wondering if "anything".. ANYTHING at all happened..ANYTHING at all ever changed...

...and all you do is wonder..

Masters of Our Destiny

Consider the following situation.. You want to be involved in a major project.. The project is a very important and prestigious one.. You feel you would really do well.. You think you can do it.. but that optimism does'nt last long when you see the kind of team mates you would have, if you join the project.. So the short lived optimism soon leads to extreme pessimism.. you, infact, begin think if your very exixtence is a waste.. Is such a situation common among individuals, living in a highly competitve environment???..

It is very depressing when one thinks of the past mistakes.. The natural human tendency is to base all our judgements on the past results.. Since-I-have-failed-in-the-last-test-there-is-high-probability-that-I-wouldnt-make-this-one-too is some teeny-weeny thought in one corner of our minds .. Such a small thought.. but a really disasterous one.. It is just sufficient to drown the already-weak self-confidence in a sea of pessimism and murder any new born enthusiasm..

As homo sapiens, we are responsible for our thoughts and actions.. The human mind conjures unwanted thoughts if left alone (no doubt about it.. "it is too little to be left alone").. It is up to us to control these thoughts and decide what we need to think and what is not to be thought.. difficult judgements to be made but nothing like the total control of mind.. Whether we succeed or fail is all in our thoughts.. they can make us or at times really break us.. so as Swami Vivekananda said "WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR DESTINY.".. what we become after all is in our own hands...

Last but not the least, what we fail to realise or comprehend is that sucess is not always about winning or being the highest scorer ( in anything ).. It is not being famous for inventions and discoveries or being a geek either .. Well what could it be then?? One thing that is certain is that doing anything beacause we HAVE to do it and because we WANT to do is analogous to drinking a bitter medicine and drinking honey.. The euphoria of success is not found by just achieving all the goals.. achieving them grudgingly leaves a really bitter taste.. To be really successful, one has to enjoy anything and everything that is done..

After all, Success is synonymous to "self satisfaction"..

"Why"??

Hmm.. What kinda question is "why"?? Is it necessary that every "why" needs to have an answer?? Sometimes, try as hard as you might, you cant the find the answer to a "why". Its just as weird that you don't want an answer to any other question but that particular "why". Alas.. If only we knew "why" on earth we wanted an answer for a "why"?? (Recursive eh??..)

Thoughts..

Can one keep count of the number of thoughts that run through a human mind in a day ? What about a minute ? Or just a second?? Countless I would presume.. How is a mass of flesh, feeding on oxygen along with a mesh of wires called neurons, able to think up the most amazing ideas??!!

Well.. The working of a human brain is just amazing and astonishing.. an Engima..