A Great Misconception..

At times its a pain if you excel in any field at all.. ppl begin to expect a lot from you and and most of the times you end up trying to live up to all their expectations.. Its not long before you are really sick of it all.. all you really want to do is tell everyone to GTH (go to hell) and do just what you want to do.. but alas.. you cant do that always..

Come to think of it.. i have come real close to telling GTH to everyone.. its a real pain when you have to convince ppl that you are not really as smart as they think you are..

As an example.. i just happened to top my class in the first semester ("just happened to" bcoz it was a repeat of BE syllabus for me).. ppl congratulated me.. fine..

But then begins the commenting.. some of them go like this.. "well you are the topper, you neednt study.. you must be having it all at your finger tips".. what the hell.. all i have is finger tips..nothing more than that..

Even if i say that i havent studied for a test.. "hey you dont have to study.. you can get marks just like that..".. oh yeah.. really??.. i'd like to really see that day..

If i flunk a test and say that i flunked it.. "yeah.. well flunking for you is 19.99999 on 20.. ".. god damn.. it can hardly be expected that i will give in a blank answer paper.. you see, i have been given a blank sheet and asked to write something (related to the question).. well its really tempting to fill the paper with crap (like filling blogs).. so its really rare that i leave any question unanswered..

The best part is that you dont have to know anything about the answer to write it.. all you need is the question and the word meanings of the words in the question.. you can start filling the paper with puraanas (pity the person who corrects)..

I still remember my Artificial Intelligence paper.. we had just gone into the exam hall after mugging in 2 sentences about some kinda machine (who remembers..).. and there was a question that contained the words that we mugged.. it was a 20 mark question.. so what? no problem.. more marks.. more crap.. I still remember i wrote 2 full sides of crap with just those few words.. god knows how i did it.. (well according to my friend, they get trained to write crap at cluny girls' high school.. thats coz they have to write 2-3 30 mark essays as a part of their english course.. well well.. the talent is really useful when you are in engineering..)

So coming back to the point.. ppl think you really know what you are writing in an exam.. but thats not really true.. you may just happen to strike the right answer by beating around the bush.. of course, you wont be getting full marks.. but then something always better than nothing.. and those few marks that you get could just be what are needed to make you the topper..

Its my strong belief that marks are no indication of intelligence.. just bcoz i get full marks in an exam, hardly shows that i know everything in that field.. All it means is that I know the answers to all the questions in the question paper.. So an expert in the field and a person who knows just the answers to the questions asked, both get full marks.. but there is no way to judge who is the expert based on marks alone.. and at times, wrong judgements are costly.. for eg. a company that had been here to our campus for placements had a CGPA cut off and some of the most brainy ppl couldnt even sit for the test as they were below the cut off.. well thats just bad luck for the company.. the joke's on them.. they lost some realll potential..

Given this argument, at times ppl ask me - "if you think marks are not important, why do u still score??".. well for that matter.. there are many things that you dont like or you dont think is important.. but you have to put up with it (like mother-in-law.. :P.. well just kiddin').. why? coz you have to do it and you have no choice at all.. similarly, our system is wrongly oriented in making jugdements based on marks alone.. a lot of discussions about the worth of "education" and "not marks alone" go on.. lots are said.. but you can hardly expect that a system of severval decades will change over night.. so what you can't change.. you have to learn to accept..

As a final note, all i'd like to say is that marks dont make a person intelligent or brainy.. they are just an indication of potential but definitely not a measure.. so it would be foolish to expect great things from anyone by just seeing the marks.. what we need is a fool proof measure of potential on which we can base our judgements.. but thats something yet to be found.. and it is pretty difficult to convince ppl otherwise..

Will such a measure be found at all?? .. will ppl accept it ?? would they be convinced?? will they change their attitude?? will they change their beliefs??.. so many questions.. and they remain questions... IF only all questions would have answers...

....then the set of uncomputable problems would be empty.. :D..

GOD..

I was just jobless and looking around other ppl's blogs when i came across this very interesting blog on atheism.. Disbelief in GOD.. The person had written only 2 entries.. an entry where he stated what made him believe in GOD.. and another one which said what had made him an atheist..

The blog really got me to think.. Do we really have GOD.. If so what is GOD?? Where is he?? What is the proof of his existence?? Why do we have to believe in something or someone who may or may not exist?? quite a few questions.. but no answers as usual.. and the most difficult of them all.. Why?? Why GOD.. Why believe.. Why not believe..

Well this is just an attempt to clear things out.. they may become clear.. or they may become fuzzier at the the end of it (call it FUZZY LOGIC.. hehe).. anyways here goes..

Well I started with the assumption that He existed and couldnt get any where.. probably If I go the other way around I could reach some conclusion.. So thinking about it..

Assumption that GOD doesnt exist.. and an attempt to prove its contrary..

Right so..

Think of the world as one functional system (involving both software and hardware).. Well every system that we have built has some one called Administrator.. So who is the Administrator for the world?? (Post Vacancy.. Please apply ASAP).. Probably we can call him GOD??

Every system has some purpose that it serves.. So what is the essential purpose of world?? Call it Survival or Existence of Life..

But what is Life?? Say Life is just the Time to Live of any functional sub-unit that is a part of this world (like any living being)..

The whole system has both hardware and software.. the software to make the hardware useful.. So what is the analogy.. The body of any living creature is the Hardware.. The soul is the software that makes it work (or live)..

But what is soul?? well at this point, i cant really define it..

So further on.. when building a system, someone builds the hardware and loads the software and sets it all running.. So in case of this world.. who does it?? who could create a living being (hardware), breaths life (software) into it and sets it working.. Well call him the system architect.. so who is it?? call him GOD..

We have been speaking only about the living things.. what about the non-living things?? Every system needs some input (data) to work on and produce some output.. The non-living matter can be considered as the data provided to this world system..

Taking the famous object oriented view, every living entity is an object.. the actions and the behaviours associated with them form their methods.. what about the associated data?? no idea.. probably internal variables like thoughts.. One exception to the OOP methodology is that there is lot of Global data accessible to every object.. coz we have assumed that non-living matter is data..

Its always a good thing to build a self sustaining system, that requires as much less maintainance as possible.. the world is such a system.. every living thing is built so as to reproduce and sustain its existence.. in technical terms.. maintain atleast one instance of its existence..

A garbage collecting system is a really good one.. Garbage collection definitely happens in this world.. Living things die and decay.. while new ones are being created.. resources are reclaimed.. but its all built in..

Any system can go wrong.. it cant be 100% correct.. but it should be fault tolerent and robust .. a single fault shouldnt bring down the whole system.. well world is a live example.. We dont see everything crashing down when any instance malfunctions or is non-existent.. Life goes on.. A brilliant system..

Who do you think built this awesome self sustaining, robust, fault tolerant system called world.. call him GOD..

Finally any system, however robust and fault tolerent, needs a maintainer.. just in case.. in case of emergencies, where he needs to step in.. He is not always present on the scene.. but is present only when there is a need for him.. he needs to be summoned (contact number??..).. well guess who the system maintainer is.. who else but GOD.. the summons are the prayers.. we summon him when we pray..

So after all this we could probably call GOD the requirement gatherer, system designer, system architect, system coder, system maintainer.. (did he test it before deploying it.. probably it was all an experiment.. one that started with a BIG BANG)...

The above description is a very naive attempt to understand GOD.. I am not saying that it is in any way complete or accurate.. It is really primitive.. just a primitive attempt towards understanding GOD and Faith..

Well.. all I can conclude is that we believe and have faith in our system maintainer.. After all He is our last thread of hope when something goes wrong.. isnt He? ..

To Love or.. Not to Love..

I have often wondered what it would be to really love.. What would it be to unconditionally love someone.. love so intense that u are really willing to do anything and everything for that person.. (Doesnt that seem a little too much?? :-O)..

Its said that love is blind.. but marriage is a reallll eye opener.. may be or may not be.. I am no one to say.. not having experienced either..

But somethings are pretty evident from the way my friends tell their experiences.. Love does seem to be blind.. Often when people say that they are in love, they are not ready to accept facts (bad ones..) about their love.. even if it slaps them on their face.. They try and really try hard to make some excuse or the other.. Its kinda giving their love "infinite" number of chances..

But come to think of it.. "Why" do they do that??.. I was just wondering about that.. And the only thing that was obvious to me was that they dont want to get hurt.. They dont want to be hurt when they find that their love is someone else.. someone different.. someone other than the image they have in mind..

Its like the ostrich methodology.. "I cant see you.. so you cant see me".. Simple enough.. "I dont acknowledge the facts so they dont exist".. But "Why" do they not want to acknowledge the facts.. simply coz if they accept the facts, it simply means that they are accepting that thier love has flaws.. that he/she is someone different from what they have built them upto be.. Since they dont want any kinda grub on their love's Mr./Ms. Perfect picture.. they simply dont accept what they dont want to accept..

So does that really mean that if u dont want to be hurt.. then all you need to do is just not love.. why love.. why build up someone as someone they are not.. why build up dreams that would shatter into million pieces in just a fraction of a sec.. why.. why be hurt when your love fails.. Isnt it wise to not love and be safe and never be hurt?? .. It all seems and sounds damn logical when worded like that.. but then "why" do i feel that "to not love" would feel like letting something infinitely precious slip through your fingers??

Well admist all this confusion - "to love or not to love.." - its really a wonder that people still do love and get hurt.. but then they are brave enough to take it all in their stride..to take chances again and again.. If only I had the courage.. the courage to take a chance and love...

Just a few thoughts..

The other day I was feeling really low.. "Why"?? .. who knows.. I just felt like feeling it.. so I felt it.. Does it make any sense at all?? Not to me at least..

Anyways.. Its been a long time since I have blogged.. and so many things have happened during this long period.. The most significant has been my "emotional repression".. like the IT repression.. It struck rather suddenly.. and people who have suffered the most are the ones who love me.. During this period.. I had literally withdrawn within myself.. I wanted to be alone.. all by myself.. I started evaluating my very existence.. Was it of any use that I lived.. or was I just wasting away the precious resources of "Mother Earth" by just "living".. Well its not very surprising that these thoughts lead to thoughts of "suicide".. "How would it be if I were dead??".. "What happens when we die??".. "Does death have any feeling at all??".. well well.. quite a few questions they were.. But I couldnt answer any of them.. The consequences of it all was my silence.. Incredible Silence that was.. I gauged each and every word that I said.. and said them if and only if I felt it was worth my energy to speak it out.. At times I did love silence within me.. A really peaceful silence..but at times it was unsettling too..

The reaction of people to this new form of mine was obvious.. They didnt like it.. They did try to talk me out of it.. but no use.. I wouldnt give in.. Sometimes thoughts are so powerful that they just overpower you if you let them to.. The feeling of helplessness that follows is really something.. Its like you are someone else.. You are not doing any of the thinking.. Its someone else doing it for you.. making your decisions.. making your choices.. making you someone else altogether.. A really dangerous feeling according to me..

Well there have been quite a few factors that have contributed to this depression or repression.. whichever it can been called.. some of them are really silly.. but then they were the "trigerring ones" as I would call them.. It probably had been building up like a storm.. and struck in full force .. like a small spark setting off a conflagration.. well after it was just that small spark that was responsible for the destruction.. :-)..

(I am reminded of the lyrics -

"You cant start a fire without a Spark.." in "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen )

On an ending note.. all I would say is that.. we do need to give ourselves a break at times.. Things do seem to go rather haphazardly.. nothing at all seems to make sense.. but given some time.. every thing fits like a jigsaw puzzle.. things slowly fall into place.. trends resume.. and you are left wondering if "anything".. ANYTHING at all happened..ANYTHING at all ever changed...

...and all you do is wonder..