Just a few thoughts..

The other day I was feeling really low.. "Why"?? .. who knows.. I just felt like feeling it.. so I felt it.. Does it make any sense at all?? Not to me at least..

Anyways.. Its been a long time since I have blogged.. and so many things have happened during this long period.. The most significant has been my "emotional repression".. like the IT repression.. It struck rather suddenly.. and people who have suffered the most are the ones who love me.. During this period.. I had literally withdrawn within myself.. I wanted to be alone.. all by myself.. I started evaluating my very existence.. Was it of any use that I lived.. or was I just wasting away the precious resources of "Mother Earth" by just "living".. Well its not very surprising that these thoughts lead to thoughts of "suicide".. "How would it be if I were dead??".. "What happens when we die??".. "Does death have any feeling at all??".. well well.. quite a few questions they were.. But I couldnt answer any of them.. The consequences of it all was my silence.. Incredible Silence that was.. I gauged each and every word that I said.. and said them if and only if I felt it was worth my energy to speak it out.. At times I did love silence within me.. A really peaceful silence..but at times it was unsettling too..

The reaction of people to this new form of mine was obvious.. They didnt like it.. They did try to talk me out of it.. but no use.. I wouldnt give in.. Sometimes thoughts are so powerful that they just overpower you if you let them to.. The feeling of helplessness that follows is really something.. Its like you are someone else.. You are not doing any of the thinking.. Its someone else doing it for you.. making your decisions.. making your choices.. making you someone else altogether.. A really dangerous feeling according to me..

Well there have been quite a few factors that have contributed to this depression or repression.. whichever it can been called.. some of them are really silly.. but then they were the "trigerring ones" as I would call them.. It probably had been building up like a storm.. and struck in full force .. like a small spark setting off a conflagration.. well after it was just that small spark that was responsible for the destruction.. :-)..

(I am reminded of the lyrics -

"You cant start a fire without a Spark.." in "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen )

On an ending note.. all I would say is that.. we do need to give ourselves a break at times.. Things do seem to go rather haphazardly.. nothing at all seems to make sense.. but given some time.. every thing fits like a jigsaw puzzle.. things slowly fall into place.. trends resume.. and you are left wondering if "anything".. ANYTHING at all happened..ANYTHING at all ever changed...

...and all you do is wonder..